Really, though, I just read a lot of books with brave characters. That makes me want to be brave, but not inherently brave myself.
I used to be characterized by fear. When I was very little, maybe four or five, I had panic attacks. Honestly, what four-year old has panic attacks? Mine were first triggered when my grandmother's two neighbors had heart attacks within a few months of each other, and I was at her home both times. I didn't understand why ambulances were outside; I honestly thought they had come for me. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, and my little body started shaking. And for the first time, in my happy, safe little world, I felt real fear. Months after the ambulances were gone, the attacks kept coming back, typically at my grandmother's house because they had started there. The brain is a tricky, amazing thing. I remember my grandmother holding me so I wouldn't bolt. She prayed that Jesus would deliver me from fear, and that I would learn to surrender my worry unto Him (1 Peter 5:7). That was when I learned the antidote to all panic, to all worry.
Believe you me, I've tried other ways to deal with fear. When I was six, I had surgery to remove the adenoids in my inner ear. It's a minor, out-patient surgery, but going under the knife is always scary. As the nurses wheeled me into the operating room, I turned to catch one last glimpse of my mother crying. Suddenly, I was in this bright, sterile room, surrounded by men and women in medical masks who were preparing shiny, stainless steel instruments. I thought to myself I'm going to die in here. Mom's crying and these men are going to kill me. The last thing I remember is flailing, screaming like a banshee, smacking the anesthesiologist, and driving my heel into some poor surgery intern's stomach. I'm sure I did no real harm, but I certainly did no good; for all that frenzied panic, the fear didn't leave until the anesthesia kicked in.
After college, I was abruptly faced with the very real fear of not finding employment. I had done everything right, made all the smart choices, and still...nothing. My school loans loomed on the horizon like an enemy fleet, and there was nothing I could do. I responded to this new fear by first despairing, and when that didn't remedy the problem, I tried to run away. I applied for jobs and fellowships outside of the U.S. thinking I could fix the problem myself. When I couldn't, I despaired into the fear again. It changed nothing.
Now, I obviously did not die of a heart attack at the ripe age of four. The doctors didn't kill me on the operating table. I was blessed with a job that I love. God has never dropped me, and all my fear was for nothing. So, what now? Well, I'm losing control.
I remember what my grandmother taught me eighteen years ago: the antidote to fear is surrender. Crazy how that works, isn't it? All of our instincts revolt against it, but it is the only thing that will free us. I now know that no matter how healthy I try to be, I will someday die. I know that there are days where I will be lonely. I know that finances can slip through your hands no matter how careful you've been. Loved ones die; violent and terrible men commit horrible crimes; jobs disintegrate, nations shift, and dreams collapse. What will my fear do to stop any of that?
I can't stop bad things from happening, but I can give the fear over to the only One really in control. He's already told us the end of the story. We will be with Him in heaven for all time, and there will be no fear...there will be nothing to be afraid of. On this earth, there is victory for those who loosen their white-knuckle grip on life, and trust the Lover of our souls. It may be the scariest thing you'll ever do: falling headfirst into the arms of Grace, and being brave enough to say you aren't in control.
LOVE
continually...you teach and amaze me!!!!
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