I knew this feeling. I thought I had beaten it and would never feel it again. I forced myself out of bed and took a few deep breaths before picking up my Bible. In moments like these, I don't have any other anchor, nothing to stop the racing pulse and flitting thoughts.
I've mentioned before on this blog that I have struggled with anxiety since I was four years old. With the help of God, family, and friends I've been able to control the panic attacks. There hasn't been a full-on attack in quite a while. However, when I couldn't find work last year, I got into an unhealthy cycle of worry that has brought back some old habits. When I got out of bed last Monday, I knew what was happening as soon as I opened my eyes.
What was I anxious about? Nothing real. That's the point of anxiety. If I was anxious about something that was looming, obvious, inevitable then we would call this apprehension. I would be considered smart for seeing something bad coming towards me. Fear is healthy when it protects us from imminent danger. The reality is I am in no danger. I woke up that morning feeling like I needed to fight for my life, but no bad dreams made my heart pound like that. It was the thought of all I had to do that day; all my shortcomings; all the humbling moments at work and in life came washing over me at once and I panicked.
God has blessed me abundantly with a beautiful family, supportive and loving friends, health, a job with bosses and coworkers I respect and admire, and a safe home. I have sweet memories, and no dark secrets from a dark past, and I am so grateful. So, what is this anxiety? Fear that I will lose it all. I'm petrified to the point of paralysis that I will lose my job because I know what it is like to be without one. I'm scared to death of being alone, and not being able to provide for myself. I'm always nervous about being a fool and not fully comprehending the blessings of God, therefore missing them. I'm scared I will do something wrong (never mind the fact that I'm human). None of these things are happening to me, but that doesn't stop the fear.
That Monday, I dug into the Word and floated around in it for a while. After twenty-two years of life and battles, I know this is the only thing that works. I can't remember what I read that morning; I do remember God's presence surrounding me all day. I remember Him being there the next morning when I woke up and steeled myself for another attack. He was there, telling me again that I was loved and safe. I remember going to my mom. I looked put-together and dressed for work, but she said my face looked like I was going through Hell.
"I'm under attack," I said. "I need you to pray, and I need others to pray because I'm under attack from the Enemy and I'm scared to death."
This was two weeks ago, and I'm thankful to God that I've been doing better. I didn't have a revolutionary moment that banished anxiety from my life. I don't know if I will ever have a moment like that. Sometimes I even worry about carrying this into my future, into a marriage. I hate the idea of some poor man having to see me like this and watching as I deal with it. My humanness and brokenness overwhelms me and...then I realize I'm (again) worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. There has been no breaking point where all of this goes away, so I leave it daily at the cross. It's a daily battle in a much bigger war God is waging with my Enemy. That is the point of it all: I only lose if I try to do this without God.
I Peter 5:7 "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
LOVE
Your wisdom and depth amaze me at such a young age! Keep leaning on God and He will NEVER let you down!
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