Let me also clarify by stating that where I am is very, very, very good, and I am blessed. I just never intended to be here.
In high school, taking the next step was easy. You knew you were going to college because that was the socially acceptable thing to do. After college, no one really knew what the socially acceptable thing to do was, but it was probably job or wedding-shaped. If you didn't land either of those options before graduation, and you hadn't figured out what the next thing was "supposed" to be, then you started panicking in April. And in May, when you put on that ridiculous hat and marched in a line of people in Harry Potter gowns, there was some semblance of a plan...any plan. I had half a dozen plans.
All of my beautiful, perfect, shiny goals for my post-college life ended up like bubbles floating away (or in my case, popping into soapy oblivion). Were they bad plans? No! They were sensible, and well thought out! They were responsible, brilliant, intelligent, and did I mention they were mine? My plans, as I quickly learned, are not God's plans by default. Just because we are in communion with each other does not mean that God and I operate on the same brainwave. So, my plan to move to Europe as an English teacher fell apart. My plan to go to grad school was rejected. And my last-ditch plan to get a basic, regular job was hit with a roadblock called "recession."
Suddenly, the girl who likes to be in control, prepared, organized was left with no bloody idea what she was doing or what needed to be done. Get a job? There weren't any. Go to grad school? I don't know what to go for. Get married?.....excuse me, and to whom?! I didn't know what I was supposed to do, but I needed to do something! Forward motion! God forbid you look like you're idling or someone will report you to the post-grad police, and people will talk!
I am now working full time like a big girl (thank you Jesus!), and I truly love my job. I really do. I live rent-free with my family, drive my little car that I recently bought all by myself, and I work at paying off college loans. I know I am blessed; I am abundantly blessed, but my roots are still curled up tight. For months, I've refused to put down roots. Date a man from my town? Ohhhh nooo, that means I'll get stuck here! Getting involved in a small group means I'll establish connections which is no good because I'm not staying, right? I didn't even want to buy my cute little car because buying a car felt like establishing a residency in a temporary situation. Why temporary? Why would I want to leave such an ideal situation? I mean, COME ON, Samantha! Don't be such an ignoramus and enjoy God's unbelievable blessings and gifts! That is easier said than done when your shiny, pretty, dead plans lay unburied, and everyone else seems to be going off on great adventures....the adventures you planned on having. What do you do then?
God has placed a very wonderful lady in my life to be my friend and my mentor, and I love her dearly. A while back, she shared this story with me, and I swear it pops up whenever I wrestle with God on this subject. For years, she was living the adventurous life I dream about. As a missionary in Africa, she saw and experienced God moving in miraculous, life-changing ways. She was so in love with that continent and its people, that she was convinced she would die in Africa, and felt no need to return to the States. When a doctor's visit brought her back to the U.S., she assumed it would be a temporary situation. Obviously, God intended for her to go back to the land He had once called her to. She was so assured of the temporary status of her time here that she refused to buy a couch for her home, or even a winter coat. Time began to pass, circumstances changed, and still she could not go back. Finally, after every door shut, and every avenue was blocked, she gave in. Standing on her front porch, freezing without a coat in the middle of winter, she confronted God.
"So I guess You aren't letting me go back then?"
He wasn't. So she went and bought a couch...and a coat. I do not know what her life would have been like if she forced God's hand and marched back to Africa, but I do know what her life has been here. It has been a ministry, a glowing witness, a blessing to others. Africa probably would have been wonderful if she stuck to her plan, but when she followed God's plan, it was blessed. That's the difference. I don't want to uncurl my roots. I don't want to get involved if I'm just going to go somewhere new. I don't want to meet new people as I watch old friends getting ready to leave. It would be so much easier to pick up my roots and go find adventure, community somewhere else, but would it be blessed? It would be good, but would it be the perfect will of God? I'm not saying I've given up on dreams and big plans. I'm just saying I'm giving them to the One who loves me enough to give me the best. His perfect best.
So I don't need an actual couch. What does "buying my couch" look like practically?
1. Well, as aforementioned, I have a lot of wonderful friends and family who are planning on leaving the area in the near future. I'm going to spend every second with them that I can, and savor them being near to me now.
2. I'm going to get involved in the family of God. Small group, Bible study, whatever it takes. These are my people, and I need to be with them.
3. It's time to grow as a person and find adventures. I can strive to excel at the job I'm so grateful to have. I'm learning French, going on road trips, taking pictures, going on walks, trying to get a book published. Heck, the other day a friend and I tried learning how to belly-dance...I couldn't stop laughing, but whatever! It's an adventure!
Question Time: What is your couch? Have you surrendered something huge to God this week?
so insightful!
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