Etiquette for Relationships...by a Single Observer

I am completely unqualified to write the following.

                                                                          source

I've never been in a relationship. Nope, never dated. Why? Well, in high school and college I was more interested in friends, adventures, and my studies then dating when I knew for sure that I wasn't ready. Now, does my single state make me unqualified to give any advice about relationship etiquette? Yes, probably. Will it prevent me from stating what I've observed?? Nah.

The following is  meant to be humorous, not snarky. As a writer, I watch people, I watch their interactions, and this is what I've seen. I write this with all humility, fully aware of my lack of experience, and acknowledging that I've goofed most of this up too. There are no hard and fast rules for relationships, but if I got to write some this is what they would look like:

First and Foremost, Single People

1. You do know you are ok, right?
     I've caught myself doing this. For some people, despair sets in after two weeks; for others, twenty-two years. Nevertheless, the self-doubt starts when we measure ourselves against the standards of our society. Suddenly, our lives are meaningless because we are single. Are you single right now? Good! Are you in a relationship? Good! You are right where you are meant to be, regardless. Yes, this world puts an insane amount of focus on relationships, but there is more to the human experience than that. You have a brain, dreams, gifts, ambitions! A PURPOSE GIVEN TO YOU BY ALMIGHTY GOD! Imagine what you could accomplish if you took the attention you contribute to finding a significant other, and apply it to your goals! Holy cow!!! I'm don't believe that there is anything wrong with being single, and there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship. But don't lament what you don't have, because lamentation brings nothing. Take this time, and do incredible things with it. Go do it right now...GO. And yes, you are more than ok.

2. Don't Do Desperate
     Gosh, this is scary. That panic that I mentioned above when allowed to mix with self-pity festers into a full-scale terror otherwise known as "desperate." Seriously, some apply as much focus and determination to landing a boyfriend/girlfriend as they would surviving the zombie apocalypse. That is not good for you, friends. It makes precious, rational, wonderful people look like psychopaths.  Girls, don't chase boys...it scares them. Boys don't flirt with twenty girls at once! Single friends, be calm, and let stuff happen on its own.
   
Girls, Ladies, Countrywomen PLEASE....

1. Button Up
     No, I don't mean be quiet. I mean keep all your bits from falling out. Respect yourself please, and keep it classy. Remember, the bait you use determines the fish you catch, so  don't be like one of those cheap, glittery, plastic worm-things you buy at Walmart to catch bottom-feeders. Be a herring! A high-quality, decent piece of bait for catching the great fish out in the deeper water! Be a herring, girls!

2. Don't be Stupid
    You aren't! So, don't act like you are. Read books, try new things, learn languages, be an artist, better yourself! Make yourself into a well-rounded, contributing, interesting member of society! Guys may be initially drawn to girls who act like dimwits because they present no challenge, but they don't respect them (I have brothers, we've talked about this...trust me). You don't have to be a pompous know-it-all, but you should try to present yourself well, and humbly.

3. Don't be Mean to Your Man
    When I'm out, and I see a girlfriend railing on her boyfriend, it makes me so sad. Ladies, men are people, and people do hair-brained things. You are a people too. Why are you screaming at him in public? Even if he royally messed up, keep it together. Be the better person, and hash it out when you have collected yourself! If you are a demanding woman who has all these unreasonable, lofty expectations for what he should be doing, I suggest you lose those expectations or stick to dating fictional characters.
***Also, (this is just a personal thing) making him carry your yapping purse dog is just...mean. It's mean.

Gentlemen

1. We Can Smell Desperate Too
    So many times I've heard guys say they can detect when a single woman is desperate. It's a huge turn-off for them to have a woman chasing them just because she wants the affirmation of having a boyfriend, and guys, we understand that completely. You should know, however, that we have Desperate Detectors too. We know when a guy is just looking for a girlfriend, and any girl will do. There's nothing wrong with wanting a significant other! But we would rather be pursued for the sake of ourselves. If you legitimately like us, pursue us. If you just need an ego boost, you need to sort that out first. We know the difference.

2. What You Did There...I Saw That
     When you are chasing after more then one woman, we know. I've seen guys  that will hard-core flirt with a girl, she'll start to get interested, and then they'll start up with another girl. We see that, we know what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Just pick one. Just one!! Now, you don't have to pick your future wife for Pete's sake, but you're not a polygamist (I hope) so don't pursue allllll of the girls. Pick one, or you'll lose the good ones who know better.

3. Culture is Wrong 99.999999% of the Time
     Despite what culture's spotless sages of amorous relationships (Kanye West, E.L. James, and Pitbull) have insinuated, we don't want to be disrespected or abused. At least, the majority of us don't. If we respect ourselves, and we respect you, we expect the same. Do not manipulate, do not harass, do not objectify. Pretty simple.

4. It's Ok...We Like You
     We really do. You're funny, smart, cute, interesting, and you have superpowers like bug-killing...yess! Please don't be scared of all of women because some of us are demanding, pushy, flirtatious cuckoos. The majority of us aren't looking for a man who is perfect...in fact, we wouldn't know what to do with a perfect person. Also, if you pursue us and we don't respond like you hoped, please know that we've already thought about it...a lot. It's not a flippant write-off, and its rarely personal. We aren't constantly hunting for a boyfriend, but if we see someone who is a possibility we do consider it...you do it too. And chances are we still want to be your friend, so please don't despise us if we say "no thanks" or "not yet" to being your future Mrs.  The really great girls will never hurt you intentionally, or lead you on.

Dating/Married/Engaged/In-Love Peoples
I'll be brief. And girls....this is mostly for you.
We are so, so, so extraordinarily happy for you that you are in love. We rejoice for you; we are delighted for you; we want to rain perpetual blessings on your googly-eyed heads; we thank God for you; we abide in a perpetual state of "YAY-YOU-NESS!"

We do not want to see the gush every freaking day.

Nobody, single or married, wants to see this every time they log on to Facebook: My boyfriend is the biggest blessing ever, ever, EVER, and I love him so much. He's my whole world! Baby, you are the best thing on the whole planet, and I can't believe I'm so blessed to be with a guy like you, and.........vomit.

I had a friend marry the love of her life this year. They dated for years, long-distance, and were really crazy in love. And you know what? No one needed Facebook/Twitter/etc. to tell them that these two people were mad for each other. We just knew.
Of course you want to tell the world that you've found an amazing person! And once in a while, that's awesome!!! Every day? Then it gets uncomfortable...like watching people make-out in public...just...no. Inappropriate.

FINALLY EVERYONE
Love each other as Christ loved the Church. Be good to each other no matter where you are in your life. I googled "love" today just for kicks. You know what came up? A gazillion hearts and red and pink stuff. There was not one picture of sacrifice. Remember what love truly is, and then go live it.

<3