Or perhaps, "Annotations from the Most Anal Person Ever Created." As you may have surmised, this week God did that thing again where He revealed more hidden heart-crud to me. I'm discovering so much heart-crud in 2013. It's like Spring Cleaning for the soul.
Here's what I learned this week: I like to-do lists. Ok, I LOVE to-do lists. I make them just so I can cross things off. I'll add things mid-day to cross off, and gosh darn it, if I don't complete that list I feel like I've totally goofed up the week. My journal is filled with spiritual to-do lists, reminding me to give up facebook for a month, or read through the book of Isaiah. Not only do I have lists coming out my ears, but I also have schedules. My time with God goes from one point on the clock to the other and not a minute more. I have to have time to exercise, pay bills, and write, so forget spare time for community and building friendships. Productivity is important, so if something's not on the schedule, its not happening.
Gosh, I sound like fun, don't I?
There's nothing wrong with organization. There's nothing wrong with setting goals and being productive. There is something very wrong with letting my value come from weekly accomplishments, and letting those accomplishments get in the way of fellowship. How do I know God isn't pleased with my obsessive attempts to streamline my life? He kept throwing kinks in my plans! I suddenly found myself waiting for people, or having my schedule shift because of something I couldn't control. At first, I was upset. I mean, God, I'm trying to be productive and useful here, so why did my work computer get a virus? Why did the copier toner run out and mess up my to-do list? Why were people late? Why aren't they getting back to me?
Then He reminded me in that warm, sincere way of His that "Daughter, your value is not in what you can do, but who you are in Me. You are so busy multi-tasking your way through life that you aren't living it, and you aren't building a community. Actually, you are becoming tired, lonely, and miserable, but not because you have to be; its because you choose to be."
Dang it. He's right.
Jesus allowed Himself to be interrupted all the time. Remember that portion in the Gospels where He was interrupted by the woman with the twelve-year-long bleeding disorder? In the same text, He was then interrupted by a man named Jarius who begged Him to come heal his dying daughter. Now, Jesus is God, so I'm sure He had a load of things to do (i.e. saving the world, orchestrating the weather, commanding angel armies), but He allowed Himself to be interrupted. He threw out His datebook for a moment and saw to the person in front of Him.
What do I take from this? Hopefully flexibility. I am being woefully self-centered if all I can focus on is the list of things I have to do. I'm still living a structure life, but there is more freedom in living like Jesus than I ever thought.
LOVE
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