That Girl was On Fire

Where were you one year ago?

                                                                              source

I was working at a bakery to pay my student loans. They didn't have enough money to pay me regularly, so I would go weeks without a paycheck. My body was worn out and sore after hours of very physical work. Most of my friends were still in college, so my community was small, and far from home. I was recovering from a dark spiritual desert that left me exhausted and weak. Sadly enough, one of the things that bothered me the most were the huge chunks missing from my fingers because the knives at work would slip on the crusty bread and cut whole pieces out of my fingertips. There were so many bandages on my fingers that even sending a text was hard. There was no better job on the horizon, no better prospects, and no money for gas making it hard to go meet friends. By the time January came, I felt like I'd stumbled out of a vicious battle.

But one year ago, I was on fire.

God showed up in Atlanta, GA at the Passion conference, and confronted me head-on. In the course of four days, so many doubts were banished, and so many things I had hoped for were confirmed. Standing with 40,000 college students, I was challenged and convicted. Suddenly, the fact that 27 million people were living as slaves was so more important than the fact my paycheck was late. Slavery has weighed on my heart since 8th grade, but now it was in my face. Now it was a personal problem. God, however, isn't just in the business of physical chains. In those four days, He did a new work on my heart that drew me out of selfish thinking and self-centered disappointment. With new direction, focus, and love for my King, I left Atlanta feeling truly alive for the first time in months.

I came home, and was such a weirdo. I didn't mean to, but I freaked people out, particularly my brothers (which is always fun). My youngest brother finally had enough and said "You're so happy all the time! What's wrong with you? No more happy! You're so weird!" I didn't care! I was glowing with God's love and Spirit. I wanted to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God! I wanted the miraculous to keep coming! I was going to do huge things for the Kingdom, and live an extraordinary life of purpose and grace!!

This year, while 60,000 students gathered in Atlanta to be called to action by God, I watched Netflix.

In fact, I watched four seasons of a television show that had werewolves and vampires in it...in the course of a week and a half. What did I do that was profitable, constructive, loving, worthwhile? I did nothing but mindlessly entertain myself because I felt like it. Truth be told, this wasn't a one-time thing; recently, my time has not been managed well! Instead of being with family, encouraging friends, working on my craft, or raising a voice for the voiceless, I've retreated to my room, shut the door, and fled to "internet-land." After a long day, didn't I deserve to turn off my brain? Wasn't this owed me? I had a right to waste time if I wanted! Friends, I started last year like an Olympic runner by the grace of God, and by the folly of Samantha I finished it like I didn't even care.

What a waste! What a WASTE of precious life!!!! How does this happen? How did I slide so far backwards without even stopping to fight the apathy?

I know the answer: I'm a selfish, stubborn, spoiled heifer (yes, heifer). See, flames die out if you don't feed them, and I stopped fueling mine. I slowly slipped back into my old thought patterns. I then started to tell God exactly how He would accomplish all the big things He had planned for my life. From there, I went on to tell Him when He could start work on those plans, and months later I told Him what those plans could actually be. He had free reign over my life, so long as He stuck to my plans.

In the past few months, I've spent more time thinking about myself and my plans than I can even stomach to recall. I have not been concerned with raising a voice for justice and grace; I'm too busy listening to gossip and being cynical and sarcastic. I don't spend my time honing the gifts God gave me, and using them for His glory; I'm catching up on television. I don't actually thrive or enjoy the life I have because I'm wrapped up in perfecting my "five-year-plan" for the life I may never have. If I become any more self-centered and self-interested I may actually implode. All of this is because I feel entitled to my own life. When did I forget that my life and my soul were paid for with someone else's blood?

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Cor. 6:19-20

There is nothing wrong with rest and retreat. In fact, God rested after He created the universe. We need to take time to be apart from the craziness, the everyday mayhem. We were not, however, created to live in selfish idleness, with our own desires and our own plans growing so great in our own eyes that we dare to tell God what He can and cannot do.

My prayer is that this year I stop being a selfish, stubborn, spoiled, imploding heifer. My life is not, and never has been, my own. My life has a price tag on it, and it was paid in full, but not by me. If you pray, please pray that I seek God's will, and His face above all else. I want to be on fire again. I want to serve again, and glow with His love, and passionately love people. My gosh, I want to ditch the cynicism and just love on some people again.

May you be filled with His grace today.
LOVE.